Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
