babies were throwing up all over the place
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
