Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
