I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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