my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
