Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
