I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
They have beer where we have blood.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
