I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
My ATM looks so different sober.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
