brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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