I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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