Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
