I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The power of my boobs compel you
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
