Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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