When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
