so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
