I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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