Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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