About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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