It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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