Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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