I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
is that a dick in a sweater?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
