I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
