she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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