I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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