life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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