Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
