Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
