Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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