Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
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