No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
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