somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
