A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
