If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
