thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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