I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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