mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
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Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
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