test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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