Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
