I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
