either way he was missing a nipple.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
