You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
40s are totally the cure
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
