Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Randomize
