Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
