Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
