she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
