I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I just found a bag of teeth...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
