I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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