I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
