Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
