Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
