I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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