Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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