Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
