I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
