and she was petting her beer can
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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