Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
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If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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