i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
