Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
