Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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